truth

because i've gotta tell someone

  • 5th July
    2011
  • 05
  • 2nd July
    2011
  • 02

whispering

passing my secret behind her back, getting weak in the knees again and again. guys, i found the love of my life here. it’s so close, i’ve just got to hold out… every time i look in her eyes I wanna scream, THE RING IS RIGHT OVER THERE PUT IT ON PUT IT ON PUT IT ON!!!!

  • 29th June
    2011
  • 29
  • 24th June
    2011
  • 24

by this time next week i will have met her father and will be itching to get back home so i can finally ask. i keep trying to play in my head how it will go, i must have run through about a million different scenarios and i still don’t think i’ve got it right. i don’t think i can plan it. every time i start to think about what i’ll say i get so butterflied (let’s pretend that’s a word) and excited i can’t think straight (pun intended). i love her more than i’ve ever loved anything and all i want is to see this ring on her hand.

she asked me the other night if i was going to ask her dad if i can marry her. that’s not what i’m doing. she’s not property. that tradition is out dated. but there can still be respect. even if he never knows how long i waited just so he’d know me, the fact of the matter is i respect him as her father. when she calls and tells him she’s engaged i want him to know who i am because if i were a parent it would break my heart to not have met the person my child said they were marrying.

there’s been many close calls. times where i just want to throw the plan in the trash and get down on one knee right then and there and ask. i think that’s why i showed her mom the ring so early, to keep me on track. i’m going to do this right. i’m going to ask her to marry me and even if i mess it up and start to cry it’s going to be perfect. everything will be perfect.

  • 18th June
    2011
  • 18

last night

the levee broke on my frustrations. i hate living here, but i didn’t want to show it because i moved here for her. not that it was much better an hour away where i’m from but here it’s so… suffocating. i feel so much at once it feels like a battle inside me for my spirit. with her i am the happiest i have ever been in my whole life, and yet this sadness… that no one around here feels like i do, like we do. i can’t hold my partner’s hand at the grocery store, i don’t feel like i could ever raise a child here. this small town, nothing but farms and stares. it’s killing me inside. we’re trying so hard to move to the west coast, but it’s so difficult. such a process. but we have to do it, and we don’t make irresponsible decisions so we have to do it right. every day we pick our heads up and carry them with pride for ourselves and each other. my partner is the most amazing woman i have ever met and it kills me to know that because we are in love people will discredit her or me or our love. we will not raise a child in a place that we can’t be open. our child will never know how this feels, they will never see us have to hide.

but i’m not blind to change, it’s happening all around us, even if it hardly trickles into our town… progress is coming. we, as active members of the gay community, are making change. everyday… it is getting better. and our love is just as strong as anyone else’s, we’ll get through this. we’ll get to a place where people talk calmly and rationally about our same interests, we won’t get stares and accusations, somewhere that i can say ‘feminist’ without people thinking i’m just some angry dyke….

we travel all the time to great open accepting cities where we instantly feel at home… but then when we have to actually go home, it’s back to our little house, alone. i just want to feel like i belong to a community that wants me too. we’ll make it. and all this pain will make us stronger.

  • 17th June
    2011
  • 17

so soon

we leave for ohio in like two weeks. that’s my last hurdle. i have the ring, i have both our mothers blessings. after i meet her dad… then i’m not waiting for anything else. there’s so much going on in my life right now, but when i think about proposing to her… it all fades away. i can’t wait to call her my wife.

  • 30th May
    2011
  • 30

i will learn everything about her, eventually.

sometimes when we have a day where we just aren’t communicating clearly and we sit down in the evening to discuss why each of our feelings got hurt it makes me really know how perfect she is. when that’s happening and we’re crying and learning about the stupid little things that make each other feel bad (this sounded so negative, that seemed short…) is when i remember just how healthy our relationship is. never before in my life have i felt so much importance in talking about how i feel. not in 7 years of therapy had i ever genuinely desired to get all the negative out. i’m so relieved that our only “issues” correspond to us merely being two complete women. i say complete women because we’ve both been alone, (single and living alone) and it was a time in each of our lives that meant a lot to us- we both took the time to grow into the people we wanted to be before we met, which leaves us now to grow together. and despite how amazing and wonderful that process is, sometimes there are growing pains. i’m honestly in no rush to pretend i know everything about her and us- as dan eldon would say “the journey is the destination”. the hardest part is not screaming at the top of my lungs I’M SO GLAD YOU NEVER DOUBT US BECAUSE I’M GOING TO ASK YOU TO MARRY ME AS SOON AS WE GO UP NORTH AND I MEET YOUR DAD.

  • 29th May
    2011
  • 29

bursting at the seams

i showed her mom the ring last week. my hands shook so badly as i pulled open the box i wondered, how am i ever going to ask her to marry me if i can’t even show her mom the ring? i wasn’t even supposed to show her mom yet, but i just couldn’t help it. we were alone, which doesn’t happen easily too often and i had just gotten the ring back from the jewelry store and i was just bursting at the seams. i think i’ll pass out when i finally see it on her beautiful hand.

  • 27th May
    2011
  • 27
  • 26th May
    2011
  • 26